I feel like a change is coming in my life… I don’t know exactly what, but it feels like riding a roller coaster. You know that first hill, you’re steady going up, up, up and the anticipation is just killing you! You know you’re gonna go down any second, but you don’t know exactly when it will happen. That’s me right now. I just feel a momentum growing. I’m not a religious person, but I do feel like the universe (or God maybe, I don’t know) sends me signals. It’s not really been one thing or another, just a force pulling me. I am very drawn to the fitness life. I like how you have such control over your body and you get exactly what you work for. No faking, no smooth talking your way in or out of it. No corporate America bullshit. Basically, the complete opposite of what I’ve known my entire life. It fascinates me. It’s like a completely different world that I just discovered!
Since I began my fitness journey, I’ve noticed that some people in my life totally turned into haters! Friends, family, coworkers…. They just randomly come out with snide remarks and sideways glances. It’s funny how some people are perfectly fine with you coasting through life on autopilot, completely unhappy. But, the minute you try to better yourself, they’ve got shit to say. You know what, that’s perfectly fine. I’m not at a place in my life that I need everyone’s approval anymore. It does make me a little sad that people can be so petty, but there’s nothing I can do about that. I know there will always be haters, so all I can do is do my best to lift up those around me and have a positive attitude. This is the outlook I’m choosing to take on in this transitional phase that I feel coming. I don’t know exactly where it will take me, but I am looking forward to the ride.
I have really been focusing a lot of my energy lately on my Instagram and building a solid following. I love how social media brings people together! I decided to do a Transformation Tuesday pic today and looking back on my 2011 self made me realize exactly how much my life has changed in the last 3 years. That chick has disappeared and I’m 100% sure that is a positive thing. I don’t regret where I was at that time or the way things ended up, but it kind of bittersweet to look into those naive eyes. As I looked at my present day picture, I could see a confidence and calm that I’ve never had before. I don’t know if the universe is telling me this is the road I should take or not. Until things become more clear, I’ll just keep wandering down the path I’m on. I know I will get where I need to be.
I have been needing some new workout gloves for the longest, but I have a really hard time buying myself things. I always feel so guilty and indulgent when I buy something for myself. IDK why…? I should probably work on that, but whatever. My hands were dying, getting more and more manly by the day. I was putting on lotion like a lunatic and I still had these huge calluses. So, I decided that I would start to research workout gloves. I am the biggest nerd when it comes to things like this. I have to do lots of research before actually spending my money. So, of course, the first thing I do is go to Facebook and Twitter to get some real life people’s opinions. And, from a few different people I was hearing the G-Loves makes the best. So, I went to their website and started looking. The first thing that caught my eye was that they were $45! For a chick that barely buys anything for herself, $45 is a lot! I was a little hesitant, so I decided to continue my research (basically to see what kind of bad things I could find to talk myself out of it) and, let me tell you! I could not find ONE bad review! Not one!
So, I ordered them. There were like 5 pair that I wanted, but I decided to go with the “Materiel Girl” ones. They are black and white, so I figured they’d match everything. And, who doesn’t love 80’s Madonna. I ordered them on a Wednesday and they arrived on Saturday! That was a pleasant surprise! I love companies that ship things out so quickly like that!
So, of course, I had to take a picture of them as soon as they arrived. They were so dang cute! I couldn’t wait to get to the gym and try them out! I got off work at midnight, and told V that we had to go to the gym so I could try them out. It’s a good thing he doesn’t mind all of my nerdiness! These gloves are like heaven on your hands! SO much better than the Gold’s Gym ones I had before. I couldn’t even feel the bar in my hand. I could tell the weights were there, but my hands weren’t feeling any of it! I was seriously blown away. They are worth every.single.penny (if not more)! A-Freakin’-MAZING! Seriously! I will recommend G-Loves to anyone and everyone that asks! They rock! I can’t wait to get my next pair!
You know the song “Creep” by Radiohead? That is what I feel like. Melodramatic, bonged down, optimistically pessimistic (I don’t even know how that’s possible, but it is), melancholy, apathetic. All of it. It’s been my theme song for a few weeks now. I don’t know how I got into the funky place. But, I seriously need to get back to me.
I’ve reached my first fitness plateau and I think that’s part of what triggered this whole weird brain thing I have going on right now. Nothing seems to be responding the way it was. And, I’m really struggling to get my food on track. I have discovered that my main problem is not eating enough. In general, I’m doing okay with my diet, but I am only eating 2 or 3 meals a day. I know I need to add my snacks back in. I just can’t seem to make that happen. Money and time are two huge factors holding me back right now.
And, my job has been stressing me out so bad. To the point that I have seriously been considering going back to serving tables. Yeah, that job sucks too, but at least I would have a super flexible schedule. That would make meal prep and gym time so much easier. And, I could go back to school. But, the old lady in me says I should stay at the bank and keep my benefits. So, for now I am just coasting by at the job that I hate hoping the universe will throw me a bone. That should be super effective, huh? I know, I know…. I need to make a decision. The problem is this whole apathetic, stuck-in-a-rut crap in my brain right now is bogging me down.
I don’t feel fit, which is crazy because I’m more fit now than I’ve ever been. I have overanalyzed it so much that I have lost my gym confidence. I don’t feel like I know anything. I don’t trust my own abilities. (Hi, my name is Sarah and I’m an over-thinker) I have lost my squat. I know that sounds crazy, but I literally could not get my form right last leg day. I was scared I would fall and I kept leaning forward too much. It’s crazy how much power your brain has! I’m doubting everything. And, I hate that. I don’t feel sexy or hot anymore. All I seem to see right now is grey. How can I get out of this funk? What do you do when your mind runs away with you? How do you get back to yourself? Affirmations? Telling your brain to STFU? Fake it ’til you make? Let’s hear it!
So…. I wore dress #3. I’m not going to lie though, for the majority of the night I felt like a busted can of biscuits. But, you know what, I wore it and didn’t die!By the way, this is J (the bride to be). Isn’t she just freakin’ gorgeous?!? I love her to pieces. We’re the same kind of crazy. I tell her all the time she’s the younger, Mexican version of me. Recently, she started her fitness journey too. Let me tell you! This chick is kicking ass and taking names! I’m so proud of her!
When I got to the restaurant, 2 of my coworkers were there, standing outside. My first reaction was “fuuuuuuuuuck”…. I was really planning on it being me, J and a bunch of people I don’t know. I hadn’t even gotten out of the car yet and my fake it ’till you make plan was already busted. But, it was too late to turn back, so I just went with it. And, you know what, I didn’t die! We walked inside and there were all these beautiful brown people (those of you who know me, know how bad I wish I was brown!) So, there I was a marshmallow surrounded by decadent caramel. Okay, I may be dramatizing that a bit, but this is my story! I can tell it however I want!
This is a bit blurry, but I’m the marshmallow in the middle. You know the one that is so white, it almost blinds you… Once I got there and started talking to everyone, I forgot that I was even worried about my dress or my earrings. I don’t think I mentioned earrings yesterday, so that requires a little info. I am horribly allergic to metal. My ears have been pierced 6 times and it always ends up a painful mess. My belly button rejected the piercing I got there and just pushed it out. Literally, I was blow drying my hair one day and something hit my foot. I looked down and my belly button piercing had literally be rejected from my body. It sucks! But, because of that I had pretty much given up the dream of wearing big ghetto hoops or dangling “fancy” earrings. Yesterday, while I was dress shopping, I went into Charming Charlie’s. The lady that helped me showed me that there are these kits you can buy to turn fish hook earrings into clipons! SHUT UP!!!! Mind=Blown! I was so excited that I could wear dangly earrings. And, no one even noticed they were clipons. It’s the little things that make this chick happy!
Looking back over the night, I can honestly say I had a great time and don’t regret the dress selection one bit. I was uncomfortable and felt pretty awkward. But, sometimes you have to be uncomfortable to get where you wanna go, so I’ll take. I’ll consider this a victory, however small it may be. 9 months ago there is no way in hell I would’ve worn a dress like that! No freakin’ way! I feel like everyday I am one step closer to who I want to be. Yes, I may have felt awkward like everyone was staring at me, but I rocked that dress the best way I know how. And, that’s really all I can ask of myself.
One of my sweetest friends is getting married and tonight is her bachelorette party. I have been stressing all morning trying to figure out what I will wear. J is Mexican and just effortlessly fabulous. So, it’s probably safe to assume that her family will be just as fabulous as she is. Not trying to stereotype, but have you ever met a Hispanic woman that wasn’t fabulous?!?! I mean, really?!?! ‘Cause I haven’t! And, then there’s me… HA! I don’t wear makeup, I don’t know how to do hair… I’m pretty much Carmindy’s nightmare (What?!?! Just because I’m clueless of all things girly doesn’t mean I’ve never watched “What Not to Wear”!) I went to the mall on a mission. (On a side note-Does anyone else in their 30’s feel like a grandmother when they go to the mall?!? When did I get old?!? And, why did no one tell me it was happening?!? But, I digress… That is a blog for another day) As I was shopping the little voice in my head was like “Ohhh, not this one. It’s too tight!” and “Ugh! This one is too short” and (my favorite) “You’re too old to wear this”. About 10 dresses and 2 stores in, I started getting very anxious. I started talking to myself the way girls do sometimes about how I’m just not that cute and I need to give it up. I’m never gonna be fabulous…. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah! And, then something just clicked and I thought “Fuck that!”. I might not be the prettiest chick around, but I definitely not the hideous manbeast that my brain tells me I am! The reason that I am bringing all of this up is because this self-aware-tell-my-girlbrain-to-STFU attitude is a relatively new development for me. And, I truly believe it is connected to my fitness level. I’ve gone to the gym off and on for years, but it was never a constant. I have been working out consistently for 9 months now. I’m in the gym at least 4 times per week. And, I don’t know why, but when you work hard and try to better your body, your mind benefits. I’m not talking about dopamine-I’m so happy changes. I mean, a complete restructuring of my mind. I still have a girlbrain and get stupid and hormonal on occasion. But, the difference is now I actually put myself in check. Instead of being like “God, I’m so fat, I hate my muffin top. I’m gonna go drown my sorrows in pizza rolls” now I’m like “Geez! I don’t like how my arms are jiggling there. I think I need to work my tris more next time I go to the gym”. This is why I love lifting weights! It took me from being a victim of circumstance, to being the sculptor of my own body. It is not fate that made me look like this, it was me… and that goes for good and bad! That is what makes me want to learn everything I can about fitness and healthy living. Psychologically speaking, it’s fascinating to see the changes in myself, but also if I can help just one person realize their potential… that would just be A-MAZING! I wasted 29 years of my life feeling like crap. I don’t want anyone else to waste time like that. That’s just insanity! So, back to my shopping, I ended up buying 3 dresses- One safe dress, one slightly out of my comfort zone (but not too far out of character) dress and then a dress so far out of my comfort zone that feel like I may have to fake an accent just to be able to pull it off. I have to get ready to go in like 10 minutes, and I still have no idea which one I will wear… I’m about to run out of time! So, wish me luck and the courage to wear dress #3. To be continued….
I have really struggled with writing this first post. On one hand, I am so eager to learn and to share what I’ve learned. But, on the other, I feel so inadequate to take this fitness blog on. As I’ve started researching fitness blogs/videos/etc, I’ve seen so many success stories. Fit moms,100+ lbs lost, personal trainers that help people on a daily basis…. Then there’s me. I work at a bank, struggle with my diet on the daily and have only lost 16 lbs. On paper, there’s absolutely no reason anyone should listen to anything I have to say. What if everyone laughs at me or ignores me completely? Who am I to write a blog on fitness?!? I have never done anything like this in my life, so this is very much out of my comfort zone. I am lucky enough to have a man that supports me. V believes in me more than I believe in myself most days. If he knows I can do it, then who am I to doubt myself? He told me when this all started that I would inspire people. I laughed at the thought of anyone being inspired by me! But, when I took my progress pics in March, I got SO much positive feedback and tons of questions about what I was doing. That is when I realized that V was right. I might not be Michelle Lewin or have a soccer mom’s schedule, but I have my own obstacles to overcome. And, THAT is what really inspires people! If I can help just one person with this blog, then it will all be worth it! I’m not going to sit here and act like I know everything about fitness and healthy living. I’m definitely new to all of this. But, I am motivated and eager to learn. I would love to have you on this journey with me! Follow me and we can grow together!