What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here….

You know the song “Creep” by Radiohead? That is what I feel like. Melodramatic, bonged down, optimistically pessimistic (I don’t even know how that’s possible, but it is), melancholy, apathetic. All of it. It’s been my theme song for a few weeks now. I don’t know how I got into the funky place. But, I seriously need to get back to me.
I’ve reached my first fitness plateau and I think that’s part of what triggered this whole weird brain thing I have going on right now. Nothing seems to be responding the way it was. And, I’m really struggling to get my food on track. I have discovered that my main problem is not eating enough. In general, I’m doing okay with my diet, but I am only eating 2 or 3 meals a day. I know I need to add my snacks back in. I just can’t seem to make that happen. Money and time are two huge factors holding me back right now.
And, my job has been stressing me out so bad. To the point that I have seriously been considering going back to serving tables. Yeah, that job sucks too, but at least I would have a super flexible schedule. That would make meal prep and gym time so much easier. And, I could go back to school. But, the old lady in me says I should stay at the bank and keep my benefits. So, for now I am just coasting by at the job that I hate hoping the universe will throw me a bone. That should be super effective, huh? I know, I know…. I need to make a decision. The problem is this whole apathetic, stuck-in-a-rut crap in my brain right now is bogging me down.
I don’t feel fit, which is crazy because I’m more fit now than I’ve ever been. I have overanalyzed it so much that I have lost my gym confidence. I don’t feel like I know anything. I don’t trust my own abilities. (Hi, my name is Sarah and I’m an over-thinker) I have lost my squat. I know that sounds crazy, but I literally could not get my form right last leg day. I was scared I would fall and I kept leaning forward too much. It’s crazy how much power your brain has! I’m doubting everything. And, I hate that. I don’t feel sexy or hot anymore. All I seem to see right now is grey. How can I get out of this funk? What do you do when your mind runs away with you? How do you get back to yourself? Affirmations? Telling your brain to STFU? Fake it ’til you make? Let’s hear it!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s